[cloudy is the brain that sleeps] There's a soft moment playing out before me. Twisting round about in the wind. Counting down the days until it all makes some sort of sense. I'm tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. drained. My head is fuzzy today. Smoked over. and under. Trying to make it all come together. I should quit that job. But I don't think I will. YET. Maybe. I feel like calling in today and telling them GOODBYE. Ciao. Adios. Aloha. Either one would work. Do the job. I don't have another to fall back on. I'm waiting. Calculating. my next move(s). PRD has failed to contact me. So that's the end of that. waiting. I have things to get focused on. To work on. My diet is falling way below acceptance. I felt fine days ago. before. The eating. and the sleeping. And the non-MOVING. I need to get back there. 7 days of nothing now. Free from the burden of gaining weight. Man. This is hard. I have less than 20 weeks to go now. Less. And it's killing me. Making me uneasy. and un-happy. I'll do it though. I have to. So. Today. Work from 3 until 12. I'm not looking forward to it. Or hating it. which is odd. "I crawled up a mountain, just to face another." And that's how it goes. Round and round. Like a one-bullet chamber filled gun. Russian Roulette, anyone? All you can do is hope that it doesn't hit you. Right between the eyes. Like a big pizza pie. That's AMORE! Anyways. It's hard to get away from a self-made-hell. It's hard. When you're in charge. I'll try to look on the bright side. I'm sure there is one. hiding. Somewhere between here and now. And past then. I need to free myself from these demons. And these chains. I need to go with the flow. and be happy just the same. So many things to change. Final grades aren't posted yet. but I already know I failed one class. Shh. Don't panick. I'll take something else to fill in the gap. I'll fix this ever growing mess. I must. Before it gets more out of hand. ONe more semester. and I can't give in now. Or up. I've come too far to let it all go to SHIT. I picture myself sitting on the beach. Basking in the sun. Without a worry. or a regret. Free from guilt. and pain. I see myself happy there. and loving. I can feel it coming on someday. SOMEDAY, is indeed my favorite day. Anything's possible then. I'm rambling now. just to ramble. So many poetic phrases trapped in this mind. It's hard to find. the way to express. To eleviate this mess. It'll all be fine though. Fine as wine. So smile. Hold on tight. And enjoy the ride. "I've dreamt of this before..." DFN.