i loathe loneliness. i loathe even the thought of me. i loathe catastrophe. of the mind and soul. that will be. id like to think that it was all behind me. instead of desperately trying to find me. i think things should be as they seem. no matter the ill planned dream. or feverishly seen scheme. where are the things i may believe. hidden in the shadows. down in the dark. away from me. away from all things lurking. angel may be in danger. of feeling what her mother felt so long ago. and. you can never end such horrid things. you must follow through and see them out. no matter how the demons scream. no matter how the angels shout. all. is. all. is. all. that. be. all. of nothingness. and. life is just a mess. we cry. and. beg. and. beg. and. cry. but. there remains that single thing. that remains to be seen. in the walls. in the windows. remaining. unchanging. waiting. and. always staying. i just want everyone i do love to be safe. but. i fear i love no one. so. what am i begging for. i have no one. and. no one has me. this is the thing i always dreamed. on. for. the price of my soul. but. instead they took the one thing. i always hated on the inside. but. i wouldve died for on the outside. deep. hurting. wanting. needing. some.thing. to appeal this need. this want. that never had such a place before. but. now knows me so well. so fucking well. that this is the place called hell. there is no before. nor after. this is where we wait. this is where we must suffer. all i want is to be alright. to not toss and turn in the middle of the night. to feel loved. to feel some.thing. for any.fucking.thing. so numb. so very numb. and. if i hadnt been so cruel it wouldnt have started to grow in her chest. it wouldnt have taken the rest. it wouldnt have let her go so easily. i feel as though i am a monster. for wanting to live. but. now for wanting to live with her once again. and. it has become an obsession. a lost posession. that i cannot find. no matter how long i search. and. why couldnt i have seen. what was meant to horribly be. a fucking spoiled brat. a fucking fat and lazy spoiled brat. i refuse to be her again. i refuse to let her through again. i refuse. over.my.dead.body.will.she.ever.see.the.light.of.day. never again. not tomorrow. nor today.