i now what it meant. and i know deep down inside my soul. what it all means. i know. i can feel it. and felt it. and feel. that creeping reality. that time ticking away so quickly. all that is coming along. and all that has been here. and if you don't understand. i can't force feed you. i can't open your mind. and let all the good secrets in. if you don't understand. that is the universal plan. i feel guilty. for my anger. for my sadness. for my despair. and for my hatred. she's still here breathing. and i'm dreaming. of other things. sitting lazily around. feeling her anger. towards me. for not doing more. than i am. doing more then i can. the e and the a are misplaced. 23 years. 23. two decades and 3 left over years. i should've left when i was 18. i should've packed up my popple. my angels. my journal. my things. and i should've ran out of the door. never looking back. but no. i wasn't brave enough. such a coward. so scared. so horribly attached to her. and this mediocre life. of nothingness. i am lost in. it now. falling down. deeper. and trying to sleep more so the time passes. forcing my will on everything else. but not forcing enough. i'm anger. i'm spite. i'm bitterness. i'm missed delight. i'm me and i am my nature. a nature of rage. i could burn you with my acidic feelings. i could scar you for life if you step too close. i could make you shed tears for an eternity. i could lay you down with one single breath. one word. one neglect. i could erase you with my hatred. and make your name forgotten. i could drowned all your sorrows and steal every one of your tomorrows. i could fill you with an infectious sadness. i could maul your pretty ego and tear it to unrecognizable shreads. i could. i would. i will. if you step too close. and this is what i am. two horrible sides constantly fighting. straining. one good. one not so good. tied together. constantly. forever. screaming in my ear. whispering in my brain. i am so close. to. nothing. the dream. the dark man with the gun. hunting her down. and me with my gun. defending her. trying. i stepped in the bedroom. that wasn't hers. and seen them lying on the bed. john. her. wrapped in an old army blanket. i seen the smoke rising from the bed. it was too late. john sat up in his 3 piece suite smoking a cigarette. john the man who's been dead for a year and 4 months and 8 days. and her in that matching lady suite. all done up for church. church came to mind. as i stood there watching. gun in hand. silent. i could analyze it. look into it. but i'm afraid i already know what it means. i do know. deep down. it is only a matter of time now. o. fuck. my. heart. and. fuck. all. of. you. and. fuck. the. rain. for. not. taking. away. this. horrible. saddening. sufferable. pain. dfn.