so many fucking mistakes and regrets and im only going to be 24 and i cant believe this is me now and how i was me before and all of the rotten things i get myself involved in for the sake of nothing but brattiness or greediness and it all doesnt matter but it really does matter and chaos is just this thing that you can only dream of because everything and everyone has a rule and a line and a boundary and im losing more for some reason then i actually ever planned on losing and sure i cursed her life and didnt know how to handle it when i graduated and i wouldve maybe had to take care of her and stay in erie longer and i brought up how lonely she was and how her own twin didnt even want her around but she hurt me too with her words her venom and i can seem to erase her face but not the fucking memories or every fucking moment we ever spent together from the minute of my birth to the very last moment of her death. and it all feels so heavy to not have anyone back home to look upon with kind eyes and id love to forget them all and it all and all all and it just never goes away but gets driven deeper and deeper with every fucking passing day. id like to have more then i have no but i know greed leads no where and we're given exactly what we need and if we do wrong for anymore then we'll pay a heavy price and surprise it all doesnt matter because we're all the same searching for the same wanting the same and needing all the same and we'll never get it here not here on this world or in this world or near this world because it always has to hide because the thing we all seek is so much better then us that we'd destroy it before we even knew of it and im just scared. i regret meeting certain people and i regret doing all those certain things but i cant erase it and i dont ever want to face it eye to eye again and it frightens me to be the old me and im falling right back in the rut and i felt so good for so long but maybe its the years end causing my pain and the insane fucking fear beating through my tired veins. and i would just like to hug her again. but. that wont ever happen again and how can i help but feel so lonely when i am all alone except for a few new friends and more then a few old enemies. and it isnt my fault im fucked up in the head and in the soul and all over it isnt my fault god created a small mistake in my set it isnt my fault its just my fucking nature and id change it if i could but how can i now its been so long. and i wonder how many lifetimes ive spent with these same feelings and same needings and same longings for something im missing so horribly. i wish i had someone to hit. repeatedly.