another night of getting hammered while my friends look on. pretending to be okay with it. or maybe just okay with it. and bigc footing the bill all the time. and its becoming so routine and so bothering. i need something new. a new scene or new people or new things. i want a new style. a new look. im tired of being the old me from little old erie. i came here to change and rearrange. and what have i done? not a damned thing really. not a damned thing. and it grows so tiring carrying around this need to drink. and not think. and just be drunk. instead of sober and bored. but i shouldnt feel bored while im sober. i should be awake. and alive. and feel good about such stuff. i need a new thing to base my time on. i want a new job and to move to a new place. i dont want to leave hollywood. but i left taz didnt i. and still i think about him. i miss a dumbcrazy dog and i cant help it. i miss my family. and i miss having people and those animals. and living in that dumbass house and driving the car to school and taking dumb fucking classes. and its all so heavy. im not working towards anything and i oft wonder if maybe i should just end it. maybe ill get lucky and ill get to start all over again. maybe not. either way it doesnt matter right now. and i hate feeling like this. i came to this place to feel different. to change. bleh. and. this. is my mistake. writing about it and not doing it. fuck that. and. fuck this. i need to stop whining and get my fatass up off this couch and meet life again. damn straight.