that ive ever been in love because i havent not with anyone other then myself my feelings although highly appealing is as always decieving and unreal and kept at a distance because i deal better with perception then i do reality and no one recites poetry anymore which sort of upsets me that no one will ever write me a poem but then again i dont particularly need another poem in my life i need something - more that seems to be missing so hurtfully so i wouldnt say ill ever be in love because i dont really expect anyone to feel the same for me because in all respect i do make it more then difficult and not many and particularly not one is going to remain by my side with all of this shit i carry around on the hidden inside i guess it doesnt matter because being alone is being me is being what i do best for some reason and i do send it all mixed up but i guess thats just how im supposed to run my fucked up game it isnt like it matters anymore because here i am not there and being not there is being able to be something better then ive ever been before and not just on the outside but maybe i can untwist my insides as well i hope because i dont like how i feel about the things ive done and i know i dont really have to deal with any of it anymore and i probably wont because thats easiest and i feel better knowing i am 3000 miles away because i dont have to deal with the humiliation or shame of being the old me here i can be unashamed and unhumiliated because no one here gives a fuck about the old amanda because they havent had the misfortune of meeting her and feeling her bitter wrath of nothingness and stupidity. erie and everyone in it can burn for eternity as far as im concerned. they all deserve one another there.