shouldnt like him but do. shouldnt call him but do. shouldnt do what i do. but you know. i do. he spent time talking. i spent time listening. it works well that way. he makes me laugh. and giggle in that lame-ass girl way. if he doesnt want me. i dont know he knows how to know how to put it across. i dont know. anything. at. all. i dont want to like him. waste my time again pining away. wanting again. for something i cannot have this day or the next day. but he makes it far too easy. damnit. "just tell him" and usually i wouldnt. but usually when i dont nothing happens anyways. so why not tell him. if he doesnt it wont happen. if he does. o if he does. then what? im not good at this courting thing. this getting it thing. this trying thing. ---------------------------- walked into work wasted. and my boss knew. and knows. my other boss throws little fits. of bullshit. i cant be perfect. i like FUN too much. i like STORIES to tell too much. i like BEING OUT OF CONTROL. i love it. in fact. i messed up though. i need to redeem myself. become myself. even the tall blonde boy is lecturing me. telling me. to calm down. he/s spent 3 days sober. do you know how long it/s been since i even attempted a day sober? how fucking long? too long. too damned long. and i feel it maybe. it/s all signs. chances. and up until now ive been ignoring them. ignoring it. the big. TAKE IT EASY. the break i need. im stubborn that way. --------------------------------- my life is this thing. this monster. with. a. mind. all. his. own. that rules me. that makes me. do what i know. i shouldnt do. i have a mind and talent and im letting it all drift away. it/s awful to think but lately the more i think about being sober the more i think id like it. grow to even love it. im killing this thing in me that never had a chance except when i was youngyoung. way before i started. 11 = first cigarette 12/13 = first beer / first liquor 14 = first real high (weed) 21 = first chance to buy alcohol became an alcoholic 23 = first line of blow 25 = first real paid for consistent use of cocaine AND THEN? what? you have to question what else you can be. possibly. the tall blonde boy is becoming the "little voice" in my head. and i hate it. big m is only trying to kind-a look out for me. i think he worries about me. strangely. ------------------------------------------- hollywood and i are back on track. loving. caring. and not abusing him from me. i wont ever scare off someone i love again. i cant. i cant afford it. i dont want too. i have many things to get through this month. i want to actually be sober. sort of. more. than what i have been. "im too busy playing tennis with don cornelius" thank you tall blonde boy. for making me smile. whichever way it goes. i want a friend. and i think ive made a good one. --------------------- i wasnt born such a bad girl. things happened and i ended up losing my mind. i was a poet once. a writer. and pretty damned good artist. i still hope i am. because all i have are my words and drawings and talents left to make me happy. and itll be 3 months until my mother dies all over again. and my heart feels it. all over again. i dont want to die a second or third or fourth time. i was broke once...isnt that enough? isnt it. enough.