"You never lose your place in the food chain." Urban Myths are highly entertaining. I've been reading a nice long book about almost every Urban Legend known to man. I must admit I am highly satisfied with the book and it's topics. It's been awhile since I actually sat down and attempted to read, anything. Maybe I'll start on my other book as well, Greek Philosophies: From Thales to Aristotle. I'm not really sure what inspired me to purchase these books. Maybe I just needed to spend money. Speaking of spending money. I spent, well I charged more today. My credit bill will be up in the 3 thousands now. Lucky me. Lucky, stupid me. I should've, well I do know better, but I was tempted to buy items today that I didn't feel like wasting my 'real' money on. List: Hair pomade. Colgate Whitening Gel. Acne treatment. Waxing strips. Wow. I realize now that my buying of these products is not as symbolic now as it was than. I also charged a frame for Angel's art piece. I don't know why. I'm not even sure it's going to work out. Damn me. No one's called today. Or e mailed. Or sent me a letter. This summer is so slow it's beginning to hurt. Beginning to make me ache for classes to begin again. I haven't heard from K. And I don't expect too. He sent SEB an e mail for reason. I'm sure he won't be bothered to send me one. I don't care. Well I keep telling myself that, but honestly as time goes by I care less and less about these people I thought about so much before. I guess things do change with time. I mowed our back lawn today. I didn't even take an hour break like usual. I'm gaining weight back. I need to eliminate this problem before it continues to worsen. I will gain back my self-control. Either that or I'll go insane. I'm not choosy. I feel empty today. I felt empty yesterday. I'll most likely feel empty tomorrow. That's how it goes with me. Things are getting increasingly worse inside and out. I can't seem to stop this train of events. One thing right after another. I'm sitting here right now craving a drink. Craving some Smirnoff or Bacardi. Turning 21 was a mistake for me. A horrible, inevitable mistake. I guess I just wish I had someone to share things with. To share my angry or my happiness or my sadness with. Someone to talk too without feeling so pressured to act like someone else. To hide who I am. I guess I am just feeling lonely again. Extremely lonely and sad. It must be nice to have love. To know love. To have met it along the way. I have no idea what love is. Or feeling love. Or getting love. No idea, what so ever. That's a sad fact if you ask me. All this time and not once have I been loved or liked or admired. Not to my knowledge anyways. I guess some people are just meant to be luckier than others. I guess I'm not one of the lucky people. One of the worthy few who get to experience such things as love and happiness. It's my own fault I'm sure. I push people away or I run away before they have a chance to do it to me. And the one's I actually invest time in usually end up breaking my heart for no reason at all. I've been thinking and I wish deep down inside I was more like Keith and Pat. They're so cool. They let go of people so easily. Without hesitation. Without the slightest twinge of regret or guilt. It must be so nice to be so strong. So capable of being comfortable with letting people go. I wish I held the same strength. I pretend I do, but deep down inside I know better. I know it hurts and keeps hurting me that I've been rejected by people I only wish to get closer too. It hurts me. And I wish it didn't. I wish I was as strong as I pretend I am. M has been right about me all along. Maybe she does know me better than I think. I'm tired. Worn out from thinking. Done for now.