and i cant heal. i want to heal. i want to forget. those horrible. memories. i want to forget. those horrible. memories. i want. to forget. those horrible. moments. those months we spent together. those months we spent together. her last months. and how horrible it was. for both of us. "when we move" "ill miss you forever" "i never thought id see you again" and i want to forget. i do. i do. i do. and i do. how can i mend. how can i heal. when its all these wounds every minute. and hour. and second. and day. and evil night. it is all there. deep in my mind. those moments of us. those moments of time. those months. and days. and weeks. and minutes we spent. hating one another. and loving one another. and so afraid of losing one another. this is why i cant be alone. because. the thoughts come. and my mind begins reliving it all. and my heart begins reliving it all. horribly. all i want is a home. all i want is my mother. and i know im too old to feel so little. but i do. but i do. i have no one now. and i feel so sad. so sad. so guilty. so alone. so much regret about waking her up. waking her up to die. to feel the pain of dying. to feel the hate of dying. to feel the power of dying. and we didnt discuss life changing issues. and i didnt ask any questions. not really. i didnt ask for future advice. and i was someone else those months. someone bitter and hateful and sad and torn. and now. it rips apart my gut again and again. and. again. ripping. tearing. pulling. shredding. all of my heart. and all i want is to scream until i am heard. until you know how it feels to watch someone so important to your existence leave you. to hear them take their last breath while they grip your hand so hard. looking so frightened. knowing that it is time. to die. how frightened she must have been. how scared. how bad i still made things. and i wish i hadnt. i wish i had been better. and i feel so low. so below. so low. all i want to do is forget. and i cant. no matter how hard i try. it hits me in the middle of my chest. then the mind opens and the memories reappear. stronger. and i remember every fucking moment. from beginning to awful end. she died holding my hand. gripping it so tight. starring into my eyes. and i didnt cry. i didnt. i told her to go. that it was alright. that id be fine. and i lied. i lied. i just want to mend. i just want my mother. i just want to go home. i just want to die. for real this time.