i used to write here all of the time because this was the best place to vent without being arrested for bashing someones skull in.

im 6 months pregnant now needless to say things change.

time passes and what seemed so devestating years ago seems like a drop in the big bucket now.

it keeps moving forward whether or not you want to.

whether or not youd care to keep going.

im a christian now.

im also sober right now. which alone is a huge step in a crazy direction.

i vented a lot on here while my mother was dying in the next room of lung cancer.

it comforted me. it made me able to get out all of the horrible junk.

now i live in a little ghetto apartment in texas working at a salon as a receptionist.

loving a man im not sure i love.

trying to care about someone im not sure i give a shit about.

maybe im pretending because its easier then letting him down.

big time.

or maybe i am afraid of love.

maybe the baby will help me love again. and maybe i know this.

maybe thats why ive wanted her so badly.

because i miss loving. and i miss feeling loved.

it has been a long road these last few years.

long and strange and awesome and frightening.

i know she'll be like me.

small and strange and lonely.

i know she'll like me. because she's mine.

i know i'll like her because she'll be like me.

until of course she's a jaded bitter teenager.

i feel too old to be a mom.

i feel too young to be here.