*Cough* Here I sit smoking Caught here down trodden and choking Upon the pale moonlight I wish for no more days and no more nights Things are suffocating me I am not closer to who I want to be Giving up and giving in Nothing really satisfies me, but sin Maybe someday I can begin again Ink drips softly from my pen No more wishes sent From my sins I cannot repent Lost here smoking Down trodden and choking ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today's not going so well for me. Don't ask me why. I felt fine for awhile. Maybe it's Pat. I can't seem to let him go. He's becoming more annoying now. Because he won't stay away. He comes around when I could careless and leaves when I want him most. He doesn't know this, this fact that I like him. That deep down inside I ache for him. It's ridiculous. I barely know him. I wish he would've just stayed away. Took some other classes all the way across campus. I wanted to see him, I did. But now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all this shit. (Some say I'm bitter) And I'm sure you'd be bitter to if after 22 years of existance you've never had requited love. Or felt that acceptance from someone you want so badly. (Wouldn't you be just a little bitter) But I understand. Most guys want Barbies. (Barbies = blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth body, long legs, and a preppy personality.) I am far from being a Barbie. I'm closer to being the beast in Beowulf. I'm a little sad right now, so bare with me. I'm just so sick of this life. Of this life. Of dealing with all these crappy emotions all the time. Wanting to be someone else so badly it hurts. I'll never improve. I'm too beat up and broken now to get any better. Sometimes you just can't fix a broken toy. Sometimes you just have to throw it away. *Sigh* I'm really trying to not let things get to me. But it's hard. Especially when it's in your face all the time. Laughing at you. Mocking you. Hurting you. All because it can. All because it wants too. I don't want anything anymore. Nothing. I feel empty and unsatisfied with my performance in this life so far. (I think SEB's John is in here, how frightening.) I think I'll stop this now. Before I get too depressed. (Well anymore depressed). D.F.N. "I see you as you are...you're not all there"