i dont know what i expect to be any different after 12 years.
i really dont know why i expect his attitude towards life and everything to change.
maybe im just angry because i want a drink.
or maybe im just really angy because he doesnt help discipline these kids.
i dont know its hard to tell these day where the jumping point off is.
i come here because its safe.
safe from judgement.
safe from others knowing my thoughts and feelings.
a decade ive been using this as a way to say what ive always wanted to say when there is no one to listen.
a partner is supposed to be a partner.
although he helps in many ways i need help with keeping these kids in line.
some times i wonder why i of all people became a mother instead of just drinking myself to death.
or skipping the whole mom thing and i couldve still been enjoying my freedom.
freedom from adulting and chores and fucking cyber school.
freedom from trying to relate to other mothers i really dont give a fuck about.
i dont fit in.
im a square peg in a round hole when it comes to trying to like other people.
and here i gave birth to 4 more.
4 more people that annoy me to no end.
i love them dont get me wrong.
but there are so many limits.
i couldve taken off already if i hadnt of kept having children.
and now here i am stuck.
with some guy i try to be in love with knowing full well that i will never be.
he remains this same person who never changes and never is happy about anything and i am absolutely so tired of his gray cloud.
i wish hed take it and go away.
he has the car. the job. the money. just leave. why stay where you are obviously not happy.
i mean i have limitations.
unless i plan on starting over in a shelter in the middle of a pandemic.
i have to wait it out.
why doesnt he just leave.
i know why.
because hes a coward.