and it is pretty early. and i have been up since nearly 4. i cannot sleep anymore. i cannot lay around and pretend to dream anymore. i cannot eat anymore. i cannot vomit anymore. i dont want to think of the damage done to my body already. i dont want to think of what may be already growing slowly inside of me. and every time i light a cigarette i can feel it growing there in my chest. because. after all. that is what she died from. and you have to wonder if it can be changed by quitting now. i am 23 and have been smoking for well over a decade. a decade of nicotine. and i dont like to breathe in paranoia. but. she did die after all. i sent him a last message. hopefully he got it. and didnt ignore it. because. i do not want to send money off to some ghost. and have it never arrive. that would serve neither of us. and i meant my promise. no more bother. not again. because. i have learned my lesson. no matter how cruel. and just. sarah wants to hang out later. and we will since she wants too. and i wish we did have more in common. and i do wish it felt more comfortable. but. i believe she is the one building the wall. because. she can feel my disapproval. my laughter at her new situation. because. when we discuss. she always becomes defensive. maybe. because. i am slightly insulting her every time. and i wouldnt. did i not think it was a pathetic situation to be in. shes looking for a family. a husband. and she seems so willing to settle for someone who could seemingly careless about her feelings. and. i know. it is not my place. and i am trying to learn. i guess i should call about my old home today. and see what theyd like to do to me for not paying the lot rent. eviction im sure. and i could and do careless. because. i am not going back there. wesleyville. and. its. horrible. ness. i will not return to petty cop country. not willingly. not at all if i can help it. i also have to get this taz situation figured out. maybe. if he stays there. i can get him come july. either bring him back here with me. or take him somewhere else. and i know. i dont want the burden of a dog. but. i do love the hyper beast. i just want to know for sure that he is safe. and i promise no more boots to the head. i dont know. i dont know why im rambling this early in the morning. i dont know why im even awake. wait. i do know why. i drank a bit of maddog 20/20 last night. too early. and passed out too early. and now up too early. you cant even runaway anymore. they shouldve let that bride be. if she doesnt want to get married. thats her business. you cant even runaway these days. without them tracking you down. and dragging you back. i hope no one ever looks for me. i prefer to be unfound. my stomach hurts. as usual. drinking. eating. throwing up. i need more control. instead of fake control. over things.