5 days and counting. 5 fucking days. 5 days. FIVE. until graduation. until my life ends. i suppose. it's the beginning really. maybe. i don't like thinking about it. final exams. failing exams. twisted stomach. in knots. failing. i just got done. i just finished failing and exam. biology. failed. bombed. i'll walk across the stage and hold my enevelope. 3 days later i'll get the letter stating how i haven't really graduated. i suck. it sucks. life sucks. we suck. it sucks. suck. and sucks. i don't want to do anything anymore for any longer. i don't want too. i don't. i won't. i can't. stop. i have to keep doing things and saying things and writing things and dealing with things and hating things and wanting things and missing things and hurting things and giving up on things and fucking up things and being stupid things and all that. i wish i could run away. leave the state. head out west. start a ranch. start a dream. i feel stuck. and only getting stucker. m is getting no better. sort of. she moves less. and less. and sleeps. and her arm hurts. and she can't do this and she can't do that. and it's tiresome. being there. 24 hours a day. all the week. no one to help out. no way to just leave for a minute or two. without rushing back. worrying that she's hurt herself or could or would or might. my head hurts. not really. figuratively. my brain hurts. thumping nothing pain. wanting out and escape. i cut my hair short. i look like a cabbage patch kid on crack. it's dyed black. why? i don't know. i crave change. i want change. i don't want to be me anymore. i don't want to be this anymore. change. started i guess. new times. new days. graduation in 5 fucking days. i'm lost and lost and falling down. finals. and tests. and papers. and studying. and shit. shit. i want m to be okay. i want a new life. i want. i want. i want. fuck you patrick.