for being drunk. lit. wasted. completely. i was trying to get better and it all got worse. im sure the blondeboy is pissed and will be for a moment. they said come back on friday. why? to be fired properly. right to my face. well we/ll see what the manager thinks. are you kidding? you get only two chances. not three. and i fucked up my second. done and done. i didnt want the job anyway. right? fuck it still hurts regardless. ive never really been fired. ive left. abandoned. quit. but fired? not really no. i basically wasted a year at this job. and lost it over being fucked up. which i knew. predicted a few days ago would happen. i knew it. i felt it. i knew. and now? done. the worst is disappointing people. disappointing myself. knowing i knew better. im a fucking alcoholic. and i dont seem to give a fuck about quitting. or helping myself. rey/ll be pissed. mandy/ll be disappointed. everyone/ll talk. it really isnt that - that bothers me. its me that bothers me. im tired of myself and its getting deeper. more troubling. i want to change versus i dont care to change. versus. changing? i dont know. now my only right option i guess is to leave town. why not. maybe this is why things happen. does it all happen for a reason? maybe this/ll sober me up and give me a reason to bounce. leave. run. away. again? i refuse to head back to pa. its out of the question. where else is there to go?