[it is presently 0 degrees outside] I burned my fingers on a cold, metal handle a few minutes ago. The temperature is low and going only lower. I'm sitting now, typing. being watched by a dog with his head stuck through a hole in the door. I do not favor dogs. but this one i will care for. (Don't bother to ask.) My head has that feeling to it again. that nervous, guilty feeling. I wonder if anyone else's head gets ill. I feel my nausea (sp) in my brain. Not the stomach. Dani called hours ago. while she sat in her new car. Shane and Willie were there too. so i heard. She wanted me to do something with her tonight. I didn't feel like it. rarely do. I always have to drive there. and then drive home. half awake. barely breathing. You know the drill. the 411. There will be other chances. and other times. Looking back, I sort of wished I had carried on 'friendships' on this site. But as I think about it, that isn't really my style. Getting all chumy with onliners. It makes me nervous. As do all things I don't want to care about. I am still struggling to let go of PRD. I am sure though that in time he will be forgotten. His memory pushed down deep inside my gut. Left there to burn away. I'll be right as rain soon. His loss. My lesson. And this is life. the game. the cycle. The pain. Maybe I'll include some of this anguish in a piece I'll paint. And call it, PRD. I'm sure he'd never realize. He's not that smart. or wise to my game. I guess I just still wish though. that i could've been someone he wanted. Or at least felt the want to like. and see. He has my number(s), but he'll never call. I still wait though. like some lost little kid. It's pathetic I know. but we all grieve in different ways. it takes longer for some. I guess when I look at it from a sober point of view that maybe it is all truly for the best. It was fun while it lasted. our flirting. But, do I really ever wanna fall for a future lawyer? Not really. that's not my bag. my deal. This is a long entry. i apologize. but i have venting to do. Loads of things floating around in my mind. Things I need to seriously deal with. I guess when it comes down to it. we all have our demons. our issues. Our different ways of life. and fantasy. Sometimes I feel as though my ways our getting blurry and confused. I seem to walk around in this cloud of smoke. Unaware of the reality around me. I'm losing time. and i regret it. These are seconds. minutes. hours. days. weeks. months. years. i will never get back. Spent doing what? Playing online. Writing useless little poems. Daydreaming. Pretending. Pigging out. Hating myself. For what? Nothing. all in the name of nothing. Self-sabotage is apparently the only thing I'm dedicated enough too do. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of playing games with myself. Ignoring what's really going on. But maybe, it's reality itself I can't really deal with. Maybe I'm not strong enough. and i hate that too. I am one to judge, but also scorn judgers. I guess the only thing I can do is change. Is to settle down and view the real world. To get a grip on myself and my life. Before it's too late. "I need a smoke." DFN.