and.change.it.all.is.one.of.those.ungiven.wishes. i miss her. i miss her. i. do. miss. her. and. these days theres no rough voice on the phone asking where i am and what im doing and when ill be home and if i can stop at the store for a candybar. there is no voice saying my name and asking me if she can sit on my steps while it thunderstorms outside because shes frightened. there is no voice begging me to stay instead of leave because shes messed up once again. there is no thick body to hug. no ears to hear me say sweetdreams or i love you with all my heart. there is nothing of her left. except me. and. im lonely. im lonely for her. im lonely for the old her. our old ways. our old fights. our old words. our old things. those memories i took for granted. and. its been a year already. a fucking short year. a year. all together. and. it burns in a slow way now. the pain. it burns in a fucking horrible subtle way now. causing numbness. and confusion. a burning that i cannot place into words. a burning that makes me want to scream until i am resting beside her. seeing her in heaven. where she belongs. and. thats all i want. is to see her again. because. ive learned. the hard way. the fucking hard way. that she was all i ever needed in the first place. and. to do it over again. i would do it completely over again. only this time i would cut out the hurtful words. the fists. the hands i hit her with. the hate i had. i would cut out our disliking one another. our inability to escape one another. i would cut out her bitterness and loneliness. and. all of the fucking let downs she ever had. i should be working towards more. but. i have no real reason to now. because. shes not here. i cannot make her take it easy. i cannot pay her debt for her. or her bills. i cannot show her the easy life. so why bother to show myself. i cannot buy her a ranch now. nor that little brick house she always wanted. or those horses she wouldve loved with all her heart. so. there is no point to being well off. because. theres no one to share it with. theres no one to give it to. to owe it to. because. she left me so soon. and. i know. i know. i know. i should be over it by now. and. LORD how i wish i was. GOD how i wish i was. because. this hell is worse then any burning. any ripping from demons. this is my soul suffering. again. and. again. day. and. night. suffering for all of the wrong i did her. and. all the wrong ill continue to do. a year. a fucking year. since we last met. eye to eye. and i held her hand so tightly as she lay dying. her eyes wide with fear and i kept telling her it was alright just follow the light. she wanted to go home. and. i no longer was home. i was nothing. but. a shadow of things she could no longer remember. and. it ruined us both. and. i held her small blue hand so tightly. and. all i heard was her gasping. struggling for air. struggling to hold on one more fucking moment. one more fucking minute. and. her beautiful brown eyes so wide with death. so wide with pain. so wide with seeing something ill never see until my moment. so wide with sorrow. knowing she was leaving me. and. we wouldnt be together tomorrow. and. she held on. i held on. not crying. telling her it was okay. i love you. go ahead. leave me.