i began. my new job. today. shaky at first. of course. real shaky. but. improving by the end. i believe. it takes me a moment to remember all of the ins and outs. but. my hope for a new life here is renewed. brand new. i like the store. and the people. and the fact that one of my head managers is an irish transgender woman. then again. im not sure if thats exactly what you would call herhim. she hesistated in telling me. and i knew from the beginning that something was up. but. i pretended to be shocked. how else does one act when told "i was born a man." i told herhim that i couldnt tell. and maybe ive been sheltered too much. because. i couldnt really tell. it couldve went either way for me. but. at least she told me. so theres no weird thing there. no stone wall. and. it doesnt matter. because. she seems very nice. and her accent is lovely. ireland. a sign that someday im to go there. because. my mother never made it. and it is mothers day. i used to get her cards and flowers and maybe some nachos and cheese and a cake and ice cream. and wed pig out all day and id just be with her. mothers day. and i have no mother to celebrate. but. i guess. i do. my memories. of her. and how she wouldve enjoyed my story about me new job. and how she might like the idea that i made it all the way to vegas. all on my own. and how i might stay here. all on my own. and i wish we couldve seen things together. i almos forgot it was her day. this time last year on this date i was walking around the neighborhood searching for taz and bitching and crying because it was right before the graduation my mother couldnt attend. and i remember the feeling in my chest. as it is here now. the same. i remember feeling so let down by everything and cursing god because he was taking the one thing i actually loved. and im crying again. because. i havent heard her voice in a year. i havent heard her say my name. i cant feel her. or hate her. because. thats all gone now. and if i had it all to do again. i would do some of it the same. except the parts where we hated one another. and i wish i could scream and scream for a thousand years. because. this pain i fear will never ever leave. because. it cant. sorrow is that one thing that can remain in the heart forever. sorrow. happy mothers day mom.