[and we type] here i am. sitting. man. i start every entry with that line. but it's true. i wish it weren't. or wasn't. i have no life on a cramped. iced. saturday night. fever is burning up inside. not a real fever. but the fever of mind. of things to do. that won't get done. because i'm lazy. and withdrawn. and careless. i won't complain. we got burned again. this time by what i assumed was a friend. not again. or after will i. hand my money over. without viewing first. i've made an agreement with my cash. "you will not be spent in haste." and it accepted. as money will. to last a little longer. resting. in my pocket. calling it home. for now. home sweet home. in a few days it will be the anniversary of j's death. his passing. quickly. into the other world. where we cannot reach him. nor let him know how much we miss him. feburary 10th and counting. i miss him. i do. not just his simple running of errands. or his drunken highs. and real bottom lows. i miss his humor. and words. and voice. he was my second step father. and the only one i liked. i've been through 3 counting my real dad. who's never come around. j was different in that way. in our different way. and i miss that. i miss patrick too. but i won't admit it. well i will. right now. i won't concentrate on it though. for if things are meant to be then they will be. you cannot force your will. your wishing. or dreaming. or crying sorrow filled pain. i will miss him too. but in a different way. a way that will go away. soon. in time. all things grand take time. i am bored. and tired. and in the need for more. i will go now. and rest my head. upon the blood stained floor. not literally. dfn.