and it isnt that i want too. but its getting heavy and unhappy here. no. not unhappy. but too familiar. and jorge isnt my friend anymore. because maybe he never was. and maybe i dont need friends right now. ill keep megsandash though because they seem nice enough. with jorge theres too much underneath hostility for some reason. because. i know about him. and he doesnt like that. and i dont care. im tired. and im getting irritated. and hating it all over again. and i refuse to let it boil me into something that i was before. because ive closed and locked and baracaded that door. so now i need to take the steps. to step on out of here. because. i feel the need to get lost. and i did it once. ill do it again and again and again until it works. and ive left the worst of myself behind. forever. because. ive come this far. but apparently i havent gone far enough. god. i dont even know why im upset. like this. crying. and hating. and feeling all shaky inside. i just feel like i want out. ive come 3000 miles to this new life of things just settling down and dragging me down. something is going wrong. and i feel it. and i need to get rid of it. i need to save money. i need to buy a bus ticket. and i need to leave. soon. its time to keep down low. and get out.