2 years to the fucking day death took her so quickly away. 2 years. 2 motherfucking years. 2 years. of endless tears. and silent fears. and fucking left over scars. wounds. open wounds. i have yet to repair. 2 fucking years since you dear mother were here. fuck. i cannot beat it. i cannot decieve it. or leave it. or beat it. or mislead it. sorrow. that fucking creeping predator. that damned ghost. sorrow. i feel today. the same exact sorrow. i felt that same fucking day. 2 years ago. and how down hill its all gone since then. not her fault. not the poor hen. no ones fault but mine own. i lost my mind. and i lost it quick. and id like to believe it was all a trick. in some ways it might have been. to see how id carry on. and i see deep behind how different it couldve been. and that adds to the guilt. 2 years. of me ignoring my life. of me hiding. and crying. and slowly emotionally dying. or dead by now. i assume. death came quick. too fucking soon. it isnt an excuse. it isnt my excuse. its a fact. i lost my goddamned mind. those months of horror. those months of watching her die. her eyes getting colder. her stare lost. her interest in me gone. turned to hatred. loathing. loving. missing. me. and i her. even before she was gone. and how all of our right things when so horribly fucking wrong. im sorry. im sorry. i cant let it go right now. 2 years later. and it stings like the moment it happened. i am haunted. haunted. by our last months together. our last time together. the screams stuck in my throat. the fucking anger. rising. ready to strangle the devil. and run god out of heaven. im sorry it isnt gone. the feeling of being so alone. so guilty. i should be hanging in the gallows. 2 years ago. marcella died. 2 years ago. i held my mothers hand. and told her to go. and she looked at me in such fear and such loneliness and such sadness and we were both such a fucking mess. i said. go. its okay. go. really. ill be fine. go. please. stay. no. go. youll be okay. i promise. ill be fine. dont leave me. please. go. i love you. marcella. mother. mom. i love you. please. dont. stay. the death rattle. and i knew. she left. she went. alone. 2 years. and i cry. im sorry. for my regret. i hope the pain is less the next year. but i fear. it wont be. because it will still only be me. missing her. today i mourn.