and nothing more. dont be fooled this is it. this is the everything to your something. this is as good as it gets. maybe. -------------------------- not drinking is to me. not thinking. not moving. not being. not breathing. and its ridiculous. this would be easier if i were stronger i suppose. had more will power or control. i know i have a problem. some agree. some not so much. but usually they agree. i know i have an addiction. a few of them maybe. but this one in particular is ruining me. killing me. in more ways then one. my mind. my body. my pride. my environment. its always crashing down because of this one stupid problem. this one dumbass affliction. that most other people dont bother to have. not me though. i like problems apparently. i dwell in trouble. and stress. well. NOT THAT I STRESS MUCH. I JUST DONT. I CANT. MY BODY DOESNT. MY MIND JUST DOESNT TRY. but its everything else. the drunken fucking stories with dumbass endings or beginnings or middles i can never seem to ever ever remember. my mind gives up in the middle of drinking. my body goes on auto pilot. and the rest just happens. and usually for the worst. I DONT KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. ACTUALLY QUIT. OR ACTUALLY SURVIVE IF I DONT. ------------------------------------ the tall boy is still bothering me. whether he knows it or not. somedays he pretends to not care. and other days he seems to genuinely try to connect. im beginning to think maybe hes just bored. our flirting is his past time in between flirting with the prettier girls. dont get me wrong im vain. i know im pretty. i know it. because i am. but im pretty in a different way. not the glossed up way. but more in the dirty scruffy punk way. im the girl who always wears black. AND NOT BECAUSE IM SAD OR WEEPY. but because i like black. im the girl with the whack ass haircut everyone seems to love and not know why exactly. "the reverse mullet" as the tall boy calls it. and he knows it makes me laugh. because its true. "party in the front and all business in the back" as they say. im the girl whos always questioned. always suspect. always passed by. or feared for one lame reason or another. im the girl who has confidence but fear at the same time. im the girl whos been hurt and has no idea of how to repair myself. im the girl i want to be. and i wish i could make someone love me for just being me. not the glossy thing. not the painted up and dumbed down thing. SORRY SIDETRACK. i hate over analyzing. it gets me nowhere but feeling foolish. id like to call him now. but theres no point. he/ll answer and i/ll ask if he wants to hangout and he/ll either be completely wasted and say "no" or be completely sober (which i doubt ever) and say "no." and then the next time i see him he/ll find it necessary to somehow bring it up that i called. and we/ll walk through his explanation of why he couldnt one more time. why? i have no fucking clue. he does it everytime though. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. fuck analyzing. and fuck him. im done with that. or at least i/ll work on it. its too tiring. chasing something confusing isnt worth the time. because i could be chasing something else perfectly worth the effort. i think thats what i/ll do. goodbye tallboy. goodluck. ------------------------------ i miss my family. im homesick. finally. after 2 fucking years. im homesick. i want to see and hug and touch and laugh with those stupid fucking people i left behind. i want to hunt down joe and ask him why? just why did you feel the need to fuck me over so hard for so little? i want to see angel. and all of the new babies. i want to hug the original punk and tell her congratulations on graduating youre one of 3 of us now. finally. i want to see my mothers twin. and sit with her. talk to her. hug her. and love her in person. i want too many things. but mainly i just want to see home. vegas has worn me out. tired me out. itd be nice for a break. back to the old. back to the wasted. --------------------------------- im tired. too long of a day.