"I lie." I have a vision in my head right now. of one of those corny "It's cool to read!" posters they used to have posted all over the hallways in school. Slowly brainwashing us. Making us almost want to pick up a good book instead of a good joint. [I stress ALMOST] I'm remembering one with Scott Baio on it. holding a cool looking book and smiling like he's having a moment better then SEX. It's all a lie though. It's common sense that Scott Baio can't read. (DUH) Anyways, I'm sure I had a point somewhere with this. O. I remeber. I lie. I do. I lie, lie, lie. Not about important things though. If you look fat in that dress, I'll tell you. If you want to know if you're cool, I'll tell you. Honesty. I must've missed that lesson in school. I lie about major things. Things that could, in the end, wreck me. "I'd lie about the color of the sky if I got the feel for it." That's how I am. I bullshit and bullshit and shitbull. I'm making a mess of things and I can't seem to stop. This may not seem urgent to anyone else, but it is to me. I'm slowly wasting away. (Mentally) It's like some mean little faerie came in the middle of the night and sprinkled 'loser' dust all over my pretty little sleeping head. Of course that's just like me to blame some poor, innocent faerie. I'm a BITCH. Maybe not. Maybe. It doesn't matter anymore. Today I barely pulled my shit together. I stood in front of the class stuttering and using 'like' as thought it were a verb, noun, conjunction, etc. etc. I do that in front of groups. I get nervous. and spacey. I get mean. and unresponsive. Groups make me nervous. Too many eyes focused on you. Counting your mistakes. Mocking your un-intelligent attempt. PRD didn't do much better. which surprises me. He stuttered and fidge-ted. He said 'like' too. Until DR. HA broke in and corrected him. PRD and I are a lot alike I think. Nervous. Slackers. Good-timers. Laughers. Etc. Weird I think. I will miss him when this semesters over with. I'll miss him because he's nice and funny and concerned. His girlfriend is lucky and I hope she knows that. (Deep, sighing breath) Moving on. Today I have training again. This week is going to drag on forever. 5 more hours with strangers to learn a job I already know by heart. Useless. Aww...but so is everything in life. Just plain useless. Or ridiculous. This is another of my favorite words. RIDICULOUS. Because it's true. All the things we strive for in life are in one way or another completely ridiculous. Except for love and happiness. These are the only real true things one can ever hope to capture. And those that do are indeed the truly lucky ones. I guess I better be moving out. Go sit in the hall. and wait for my next class. Count down the minutes until training. Count down the hours until training ends. I have an active life tonight. Counting. "Be not what they want, be not what they expect, be what it is you are...truly a wonder." DFN.