i dont know what my deal is these days. these last few hours of my week or month. im not sure how to explain why im upset. or why i feel angry deep down inside. over nothing at all. nothing at all. i dont know why this creepy bitterness is crawling its way up. i dont know why. im beginning to despise my time here. and. i was so happy before. and. now i feel like i did long ago before. before being here. and. living here. and. now im beginning to want to go back home. even though. i know. i dont really belong there. and. maybe thats my deal. i just dont know how to feel. about all this new stuff. all these new things. all this time here. all this and that and this and that. and. meeting new people is lovely. but. so very draining. im not used to so much recognition. im not inclined to enjoy so much expected interaction. and. id like to just go back to where it was before. the not speaking too much. the no one expecting too much. and. now i feel like i must entertain. or the boredom will fall on me blamed. and. george. and. i dont know. hes been annoying lately. but. in a no real way. just me. its me. feeling so smothered. so suffocated. so shackled for some long dead reason. i want to be something new. but. the fear is always there. of being the old version of myself. and. now i feel locked in and down in a new way. i need to shake things up a bit. get a grip on it. take a hit. i wonder what sarahs doing every now and then. but. i dont feel like calling. it takes too much energy. and i must get things straightened out. i felt so good before. maybe its the horrible heat bringing me down. or maybe its other darker things. i dont know how to feel towards anything. and. i cant fuck it up here. because. im not ready to leave. it.must.be.mended.