not sure what to write or how to feel or how to deal. with it all. still. everyone wants money. money and money and money. and months ago i lost my mind. and now look what ive come to find. troubles. as usual. and bills. and bills. and how am i supposed to pull my mind back. when im already so tired of a practice thats going to last my lifetime. and my mother used to pay her bills every time on time and time and time. and when she became ill. what did it get her? nothing. we had too much to get help. and to little to help ourselves. and thats why she died. because. they let her. because. even though the woman spent her entire life trying to do right and stay debt free. it came back to bite her right in the heart. and it didnt matter a fuck if we went hungry some times just so she could pay the rent. because. she believed in priority. and what did it get us? not a fucking thing. because. when it came down to it they wanted more and more and more and more of what we didnt have. and even know. i mention an estate and they mention my inheritance. because. what you fight so hard to own is never really yours when it comes down to it. and people like erick and sarah and a million others out there try so hard to live by te straight and narrow and in the end it wont matter a damn because if it comes down to it youll never own enough or make enough or be enough. and i dont want that. materials. and such. and all the nonsense of living a normal life with normal things always having normal dreams and never dealing with outlandish schemes. and in the end it wont matter how much you have in your bank account. or how many times youve worked your ass off for that brand new house and to pay those brand new everlasting bills. because. in the end we all end up stiff and cold and blue and alone. so whats the point? even if you buy a house you must continue to pay on that house forever. and ever. and you must pay to live and move and breathe. and why? shouldnt i be allowed to just exist without having to constantly pay for it? and fuck the credit card ill pay them when i like if i like. they can hunt me down and cut my legs off if they like. i dont give a fuck. im tired of the world costantly revolving around how much you can get or want or need or need and want and want and demand. fuck the normal life. even if it means one of strife.