I am a total mess. I am addicted to messing up. Things were so good with M this summer. Before I messed up. I messed it all up. I need help, but I'm afraid to ask. She already doubts me beyond belief. I can't blame her. I fuck it all up. It's not her fault. Not at all. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. Lost. I feel sick today. No doubt caused by my antics yesterday. Plus these cramps are killing me. Making me ill. This summer has been a total disappointment. A total let down. I need to fix it. I need to make amends. Wen keeps calling me. Why now? It's been months since she's contacted me. Now that her and her man are having problems I'm needed once again. Dani is the same way. She'll call again someday. It angers them that our situations have changed. We are all different. I can't go back and make it all better. I can't keep letting the past get me down. I'm close to telling them both to fuck off forever. Go away for good. I have my own demons to control and maintain. I can't deal with theirs as well. Today I am going to write M a letter. More of a plea I guess. I need to tell her how I feel. Why I do the horrible things I do. Done for now.