i went from. the high. life. to no. life. in one veiled. swoop. and now i'm destined to live in a world of boredom. until. of course i get out there and actually. replace the friends i had. back. home. i should've given the convict my number. at least maybe he would've been company. seb is much more needy and whiny then i remember. she's always sick. and sick. and sick. and she can't handle a damned thing. not really. bobby. bobby. bobby. her boyfriend's a limp dick with asthma. he's also 30 and puts together model cars. how nice. how pathetically lame. how sad that i'm here with nothing to do. and the lights are only a few miles away calling my name. seb has moved from friend to stepping stone. in one day. i do believe that may be a record with me. she's annoyingly annoying. and yes she is my best friend. my only friend here right now. and that depresses me. if i were home. i'd be high by now. and only be getting higher later. out all night. laughing. drinking. and passing out. here i am stuck in a small apartment with a computer. there's a gym next door. but here i should be having fun. and right now i'm second guessing my final decision to leave. seb and her damned whiny ass. i need to get out. but it's hard with no car. and my feet hurt like crazy tonight. and it's not even near bed time. and i'll be awake and awake and awake. i'll have to take a walk or something. or something. anything. i wish i could call joe. and say joe come here and entertain me. but. there's no point to even text him again. his hatred for me will be. and is different then his hatred for the others that have screwed him over. maybe he didn't really expect me to do him wrong. but what he knows isn't even half of the story. he knows nothing and assumes. like usual. and he won't talk to me again. and now i have one less almost friend. he wasn't really anything to me. but. i could dream at least. now. there's no point. because the point was lost when i decided to rent out his car for a few lines of coke. and i did say i was sorry. how was i supposed to know they'd break the window. how was i supposed to know they'd take it for a joy ride all over town doing donuts. how was i supposed to know i was too high. but i did apologize. i did. shouldn't that count for something. anything. nothing. no. i guess not. you can't always expect everyone to forgive you for everything. usually i can drag them back. kicking and screaming. but they love me again. eventually. after some heavy sweet talk and charm and those i promise to never do it agains. but this time. my technique failed to work even a little bit. you fucked up is all he could type to me. you fucked up. i know i fucked up. but who in their right mind gets someone high on coke all night and lends them their auto all weekend. i did ask him when he wanted it back. i asked. and asked. and asked. and we were supposed to meet up again and drink and snort and inhale and smoke. but he renigged on that as usual. unreliable. joe. was. a. mistake. to. meet. because. as. usual. it. was. only. temporary. now here i am. no friends. not close. only one. and she's annoying me in 3 days. it won't last. i don't see me staying near her long. i can't handle it. i don't want to handle it. i don't like her very much. and i don't like that. well. i'll keep my mouth shut and smile. and smile. and smile. and use all i can. because that's the only thing i'm a professional about. using. abusing. and tossing away. i miss danielle and ray and lisa and will and the annoying little children. i miss the weed and the drinking and the fighing and the late nights of nothing. but. being. with. friends. i'll be okay. i always am and always will be. rest a moment. land a job. get money. meet people. move on. and over. and do it all again. until i am where i want to be. and if i like i won't return anywhere. i'll move on completely. leave for good. leave for good. and i'd like to be some place else right now.