i dont know if i like how easy it feels to know that i can and if need be will leave. and i dont know why i feel like this. i feel disliked. and hated. and misunderstood. i feel like i did back home. and i dont like it. and when i dont like the situ. i run. and i run fast. i figure. if this job. upcoming doesnt work out. than ill take what i have and move on. ive done it before. without comfort or anyone to lean on. only this time id be heading out to no place to stay. but ill find somewhere. i have ways. i know it. ive done it before. and i fear unfortunately i can and most likely will do it again. i dont feel close to anyone out here. in the beginning i felt close to jorge. and then caryn. and then the others. but now. i feel they dont get me. they like those back home see me in this image. this image i cant escape and if i try to they shove me back into it. to make sense of it. fuck that. and fuck johnathon is hes still upset. dont be a fucking baby. seriously. it was harmless. and dont ignore me. because theres no going back after that. i dont get ignored. im venting. but im sad. i want to leave. to see things. to forget everything and everyone. "dont burn your bridges" im tired of jorge hating on me. disliking me for some reason. we started out as good chums. but its turned into this bitter cage of nothing. he doesnt speak to me honestly. he dislikes me when i do something. fuck it. i dont care. and people dont believe how easy it is for me to not care. i can walk away far quicker then most can. ive done it before. and honestly ive lost the only people i geniunely cared about. i dont know. i think maybe arizona would be nice. or maybe a quick jaunt through cali. why not. im alread screwed a bit. im alone. i should face it. i keep better company in my mind and in my dreams. people never equal up to what i expect. and i let them down after that. i need to get over the fear. and then ill be fine.