Today is the day that he is really gone. It's not a nightmare like I had hoped. It's much worse because it's so real. Today we need to take care of things. Make our first move in this game of life and death. It's the little things that set off my tears. Waiting for him to walk through the door or making little sly jokes about everything. I miss these things already. I have a feeling that this pain is going to get worse for awhile. I wish I could help my mother. I am letting go of the little things. I guess maybe this is my beginning journey into adulthood. No more pretending that things are fine the way they are. Everything has changed. Rearranged. I guess I have been avoiding this moment for a long time now. Growing up. I'm 21, but I'm not as grown up as I should be. Things need to change and I will make them change. I can't sit back and watch it all pass me by any longer. Time to play in the action. Win or lose, it doesn't matter as long as I try. My professors are being really sweet about this whole situation. I wish I didn't have to let them know what happened. I don't want others to know or think that I am in pain. I am strong. I am not weak. I will be fine. So will my mother. In time it will all just fade away. Like it never happened. I'm lying to myself. I'm lying to my mother. Some times it helps to lie. Some times. I am done for now. Time to take care of things. This is the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. 6 years was too short. I wish we could've had more time. Now I'm done.