i am. and was. and are or is. i don't know. it's early. seb wants to go out tonight. i don't know if i feel like it. m is a pain in my ass. and i am one in her's. i don't know. i can tell already that this is going to be one of those bad days that leave a bad feeling. i can tell. it's building up. ready to explode. any moment now. i didn't do the dishes. so i belong in hell. i don't do anything. i guess i'll admit that. i'm lazy. stupid. gross. and lazy. i guess i'll never change. m wants me to leave. fine. i will. just let me find a job. and some money. and a way out. and i'm gone. poof! adios cruel little town. i'll probably never leave. never escape. grow old and die here. and be miserable the whole fucking time. if i was on my own things would be different. changed. maybe? maybe not. it's hard to tell anymore. seb is lucky and i am beginning to hate her for it. not hate. hate's too strong of a word. envy. jealousy. those fit right. i feel hopeless and down right now. just hopeless and down. this is a great fucking way to start the day. my stomach hurts to add to the misery of this wednesday. i feel ill and down and hopeless. and it's all falling apart. i don't think i'll make it to graduation. so don't save my seat. fill it in and up. and announce my name. i won't be there. i don't think i want to be. what do you do? nothing. and that's the truth. i do nothing and i whine. and complain. and carry-on. i just don't know. dfn.