well. here i am some odd days into a sober new beginning. staying at a house i neither enjoy nor have complete contempt for. ive decided that all that has happened up to this very moment in time was well worth all of the pain - embarassment - displeasure - sadness - goodness - and all around fun. ive decided that i will no longer reach out to certain people. honestly. all those from my past few years here. theres no point. theres no real need nor wanting to either. id be lying if i said i actually liked 80% of the people ive met or know at this time. dont get me wrong. they were all fun in their own way for their own time at those certain particular moments when i was probably too loaded to care. looking back. i never cared about him. or even particularly enjoyed him. but. i was bored. and drunk. and i have a bad habit of focusing on things that dont matter because i need anything to matter at that moment. im over THESE THINGS. and im done obsessing over things i no longer care about. i miss the ebar but have decided to never return there. it holds too many memories of what was and what couldve been. im letting go of a lot and its for the best. i believe. sober. i miss drinking. i miss coke. i miss weed. i miss being loaded. wasted. numb. i miss it more now then i ever thought possible. most of all i miss those careless moments of complete not giving a fuck. because giving a fuck is so much more worse then the pain of waking up with embarassing wounds or stories haunting your come down. i hope some thing comes of this. -------------------------- relentlessly. these negative thoughts are always running through my mind. the only comfort ive come to accept is the fact that my life is never permanent. nothing ever lasts. or it lasts as long as it can before time pushes it all to move along. i cant say im unhappy. but. i cant say im happy either. im grateful. that im not dead. that im not drinking i guess. although i miss my denauchery terribly more then one would normally attempt to understand. ive grown so accustomed to being out of control that being in control is too stress inducing. too annoying. or rather completely unsatisfying. i dont know how others do it. i really. surely. dont. understand. being. sober. and. happy. with. normality. its so unattractive to my senses. ------------------------- i miss old things. but. nearly as much as i should. i dont miss annoying gossip. or even more annoying self pity. or whining. and yes. i do it too i suppose. but. thats fine by me. its other people who drive me crazy. honestly. but. all those things are long gone. and i dont recall wanting to go searching for any of it. really. people come. and people go. some ill miss. some no. and thats that which is always this or that and this turning into that and moving directly on in the direction of my wreckage. all i know. is im concerned solely about myself right now. and miss no one in all honesty. even though i attempt to fake it. looking at the overall large picture. no one ive met is really all that interesting. or as interesting as i believed. my how drink plays games with ones mind. tricking you into believing so much. that when you do actually wake up and see it all for what its worth youre sorely disappointed. i wish running away and joining the circus or travelling carnival were still a viable option for a career choice. whatever happened to gypsies kidnapping people and forcing them to accept their way of life? where are the good old freakshows to join? the railways to live on? i was born far too late in the century. born into such a controlled boring time. wheres all the excitement of past generations? damn. to. being. born. far. too. late. and goodbye to those things that months ago kept my mind at peace and busy. ill almost kinda sorta not really miss thee.