graduation. graduate. graduating. all of that today. people will gather all around. including me. and i. and deb. and dani. to graduate. my mother won't make it. she can't. couldn't. shouldn't. the demon that was in her head has caused more damage then we prepared for. more damage. more hurt. pain. her arm. killing her. the cancer in her lung mocking her. pointing its finger and laughing. radiation. it begins monday at noon. monday at noon. i imagine a gun battle out in the west. tumble weeds rolling about. it's lonely here. in my heart. it's lonely here. in my brain. my mind. constantly thinking. she'll be gone soon. she can only take so much. my mother. my poor mother. from kentucky. who's had a hard damned life. and can't get no breaks. no breaks. no time-outs. no pauses. no moments of lasting pleasure. she's lost 3 husbands. all cowards. she lost the man she really loved. she's been broken down. and beaten up. she's been hurt and pushed and pulled. and now this. it hurts her. i can see. i can see it all. so clearly now. almost. depressing. today was supposed to be. supposed to be. one of the happiest days of my little conforming life. but no. not. not this day. john's gone. my mom's almost gone. i'm falling in deep now. too deep. too, too, too, deep. it all feels so numb. so numb and unclear. screaming. hurting. all this and more and before. clawing at my chest and gnawing at my insides. evil horrible thing. death comes so close again. tearing me up and down and around and back. fucking righteous pain. i'm dying right along with her. it isn't easy being human. i'd give it up any day. just to take this awful, horrible, nasty pain away. what am i to do now? dfn.