"It's a hard thing to do, change. It can make you weaker than you ever thought possible." So slowly I am going to change. I have tried this many times before. "Becoming a new person" It doesn't, or it hasn't seemed to work thus far. Changing. I want to so bad. I want to become such a better person. All the way around. (If that's possible.) Maybe. Maybe it is. Maybe with a whole lotta effort on my part I can do it. Maybe? ??? I've been spending a lot of time at Dani's lately. I've been insulting her a lot. For not particular reason. I don't know. I guess I'm a little upset at her for tempting me, or well including me in her activities. I'm trying to stop. It's getting harder and harder. It's about supply and demand. My demand is wavering. The supply is endless, apparently. All I want is to travel and be a writer. I want to do things other people have only day-dreamt about. I want more. I'm not helping myself get there though. I can't seem to focus my mind on actually 'doing' it. I seem more capable of pretending there isn't any need for concern. For alarm. I need to end something soon before fate decides to test me again. It's depressing all the way around. I'm losing something. I don't have the power to gain anything. Anything worthwhile from this entire experience. I'm in college for fucks sake and I can't seem to grow up long enough to focus on my damn life. My education. My mind. My health. I don't want to end up fucking this whole thing up. That's why I need to focus long and hard. I need to get in this. Move shit around. Focus and make my move. Start playing the game all over again. Plot it this time. Go for the big score, not just seconds. My mind needs to kick in now. Get started. Start breathing. Opening. Regaining it's luster. Shine. I'm rambling. But it's all true. I can feel soemthing creeping up. Crawling in. Festering. And infection getting ready to spread. I can feel it. Makes my hair stand on end. Makes my nerves a little shakier than usual. Something's bound to happen. I don't want to get stuck in the cross fire. "Friendly fire" This is going to be hard. Very hard. Very, very, very, hard. I have to do it though. I have to grow up. Rearrange this shit. Stamp my name on it. Send it out into the world. And get ready to live. (Again I'm rambling) I do need this though. I need some sort of inspiration. I don't know what else will make me do it. THINGS ON THE LINE: 1. School 2. Freedom 3. Writing 4. Weight 5. Health 6. Goals 7. Dreams 8. Other shit So see this is a coming thing. A new thing. A beginning. I've had many new beginnings. This one will be no different. Only this time I think maybe I'll stick to it a little harder. I could start by giving my all to this homework assignment for FW. I think the time has come. And I welcome it. Begin. "I think we hang with an unstable crowd." DFN.