i work 5 more days. until my next day off. 5 more days of tiresome bullshit. in and out and in and out. and. i dont like half the people that come in there. or work there. but. im testy these days. because. im afraid of returning back to that place. because. back there i am nothing and have nothing to be. except what i was before. and. fucking hell. i have to change. i have to. no one wants to love me this way. or like me this way. and i dont want to like me either. i dont like me very much. when i think back to my past. that fat spoiled loud mouthed lazy cow always judging everyone else. always saying things about everyone else but never taking the time to live a bit or help my mother out a bit or be something other then an over eating pig. i hate her. the me then. i hate her with a vengence so horrible that if i could meet my old self on the street i would beat her and strangle her until nothing moved. until she was absolutely gone. and. what they say is true. and horrible. that you never know what you have until its gone. and. by then its too fucking late. and youre too fucking late to take it all back. and all the sorrys and love yous in the world will never excuse what the hell you did wrong. because. you did it all wrong. because doing it right took too much fucking work and time and effort. and i she was too fucking lazy and horrible. if i could. i would go back a few years and punch the old me in the fucking face. and force her to get a grip. and now i cannot let it repeat. i will not be what i dont want to be. and why i changed when joe mentioned things is because he was right. and only pointed out the things i disliked about myself. and it wasnt on purpose to do what he said. by why try to explain to someone like that. he wouldnt care or understand anyway. that was a problem. i never felt the urge to try and explain because it seemed pointless. it was. but. i do thank those people for certain things. for changing me a bit. for allowing me to change a bit. not too much of course. because. once people think they know you by heart. they really sort of do. and you cant escape what theyve drawn up for you. so if your me you play along as long as possible. despising it. but. enjoying it for a moment or two. because. no one knows you like you know you. and no one ever will. and. i do sort of like it that way. because these thoughts here are me. are secret. are the truth. and here i dont have to lie and pretend and create a false reality. i can be what id like to be and what i always meant to be. without holding back. and i dont particularly want to return to erie yet. i dont think i can handle the let down of being back there right now. besides. i have people to pay back. and i have a job here. and if i can find a new place to live. id be fine. and you know if joeandjoel took the time to realize other places theyd find it a lot easier to own a business out here. id like to think ive been inspired by those two clowns. i need to do more research i suppose. a business licenses for 150. not too bad. i wonder if i could. i dont know. one thing at a time. more work today. and if today goes anything like the beginning of yesterday then i swear ill hang myself on a register. i really dont want to see erie now. not yet. not yet. not fucking yet.