it was there. in her head. growing. this thing. this horrible thing. festering there. pressing and pressing. she cried and cried and yelled and screamed. help me. help it. help. monday she went into the er. monday we went into the er. monday we learned about the goblins. one in her brain. one in her lung. living. growing. goblins. demons. my aunt cried. my cousins cried. i did not cry. couldn't. wouldn't. should. but didn't. probably won't. unless i'm alone. it hasn't sunk in yet. tuesday she took so many tests. tuesday they decided their plan of action. operation. brain surgery. brain. surgery. i freaked. inside. nothing spewed out. we agreed. decided it was best. wednesday she was put under. and pulled over. her skull cracked. laying on her back. drip of the iv. drip of her blood. the doctorman removed it. the thing. the it. the pressingfucker. removed it. took it out. destroyed. she's in intensive care now. suffering. ignorant of all the things found out. she has no idea. none. the one on her lung. remains. strong. but in time. in time. in time. in time? maybe? right? i hope. i prayed. prayer isn't for me. but in such times. i to find it helpful to speak to god. or it. the thing in the world that makes us all move. and breathe. asked for forgiveness. for love. for strength. for just a little more time. with my mommy. my mom. my mother. my light. my air. my womb. i begged. and begged and begged. i cursed his name in vain. i cursed it all as i did before. and now. now i feel alone. helpless. i wasn't allowed to sleep there tonight. in the hospital. not tonight. i miss her. my stomach is nervous. what if she wakes? wakes? asks for me? for me? i'm scared. and nervous. and all numb. i've been numb for a long time now. for days maybe. i want to cry. i want to scream. and run. and scream. and beg. and curse. and fuck it all. i won't. i'll be fine. i just wish i wasn't dying inside. my heart is breaking. absolutely breaking. cracking. please let her be okay. let her keep her promise. i'll keep mine. forever. please? a long walk in the dark. where the light never grows. it is lonely here. it is cold. dfn.