and i never really. believe. that. because. drinkinganddrugs seem to solve everything for a moment. or two. he wouldn't kiss me. and that bothers me. because i like. kissing. i shouldn't. be surprised though. it was never like that. there was. apparently. no spark. only me. wanting. one. to. be. there. but. that is forgotten now. in the past now. back there now. left. abandoned. because that is the way i want it to be. i will fight these thoughts. until they stop coming to mind. because. i want to change. i do. i should. not all of the way. mind. just a little difference here and there. would. add. more. to. my. life. and take away all of the problems i easily create for myself. ------------------------------- dreams and things and bitter schemes. pile up upon my chest. beat down the walls in my brain. reminding me of tomorrow. and all the coming pain. ------------------------------- i should. go. to. rehab. and live off of the system for awhile. i should let. professionals fix me. so i can say i'm cured. it would be nice if life were as easy as a slot machine. pull the lever and then wait for the outcome. my head hurts from the cloroxcleaning stuff i just used. i hate that.