i believe the roach is dead. or so i'd like to think. i just squashed it with my foot. or so i hope. i haven't seen anything move again. yet. and yet. seb i sent her an apology. it isn't her fault that she's decided to settle for the slow and unyielding. she'll regret the decision someday. or maybe she won't. either way it's on her back. not mine. if she wants to devote her life to a man who doesn't seem to care about her very much. then that's on her. not me. and i could careless actually. really. i don't. i have a new way of thinking and a new idea about life. i don't want to waste mine. although i spent time drinking malt liquor tonight and walking up and down the street. like some everynight prostitute. it makes no difference. this one kept circling about. making me nervous at first. and then impatient for him to pull over. and just say something to me. i believe seb and i will have very different experiences out here. at least i hope so. i don't want to settle for some tired out white boy who has nothing better to do then build model cars and race his remote control truck. if that's what seb wants then by all means i hope she enjoys it. i'm not over her being lame and different now. it's rather sad really. how settled she is. how happy she is with this humdrum existence. just because keith passed her by she believes it's over. and for her it is. now. anyway. bobby has nothing to offer except stability and control. it's particularly sad. and like i said. it's her. not me. i want thrills and spills and ills and chills. i want the man i love to come and try me. i want him to speak the truth even in his lies. and to know that i know that he knows what i know. i want him to be fucked up in the head and to know that i am as well. and that it's all going to be okay as long as we can hold onto one another at night and pray for it all to be alright. i want him to accept my wild behavior and to encourage it because he knows deep down that no matter what i say i am never ever going to really change. i want him to know that i can't help the way my mind or my heart functions. i want him to be the me i could never be just because i am female. i want him to lie and regret it only momentarily. i want him to be his own person and accept the fact that i will always be the person i choose to be whether or not it shifts from day to day. because that's just how i am. i want him to see the artist in me and the pain in my work without me having to always explain. then again. maybe i'm asking too much. then again. maybe i'm not. whoever captures my heart better be ready for the ride of his life. because i will not break and give without expecting the same. i will not change my ways because i like the way i play and carry on. he'll smile because i smile and laugh because i make him laugh. he'll know i love him and he'll know i'll always keep him safe no matter how many times i let him down. joe isn't like that. none of the guys i've met are. although they each fall for different reasons. they each would like to be a bit closer but can't handle the heat of my flame and eventually give into the easier route. giving up and moving on. and i don't regret losing a damned one. because they apparently aren't up to my level. if they were they'd still be around. i don't expect miracles. but i do expect magic. they all think they know. what. it. is. i. want. i'd love. to. fuck. for. nothing. but. right. now. being. a virgin is more of a burden then anything. and i'm not asking for marriage. or love. or anything. a few good times. and laughs. and intoxication if possible. but. no. they. all. assume. i. want. the. whole. thing. the whole gig of being desperately dependent on one another. but. no. i could careless for attachment. i live more for entertainment. but. no. they. assume. it must be the vibes i give off. i'll have to change those here. i'm tired of seriousness. if seb cares to settle for the sensible than that's her. i choose to never settle until i absolutely meet the one who changes my view. the one who makes me realize that it can happen and will happen. the one who realizes that i am WORTH all of the pain and struggle. i don't hate her for being who she is. i regret not being the same in many ways. because maybe things would be easier. but i don't like easy it's too clean and neat. life was meant to be messy and filled with chaos and pain. without it we're just like everything else. safe.