and there are things that are too beautiful too touch. the mind is one of them. those things. too. nice. too innocent. too complete. i oft dream of a love that can and would and should and could heal all of my open wounds. a love so divine that i need not say anything when it comes. when it is in its prime. a love i can just accept. and let be. and feel covering me. completely. i oft dream of such silly things. im not sure where im headed. im not sure if i care. im not sure i even want to care. if i even want to get it all in order. some kind of responsible adult order. maybe i was meant to be deliquent. even though i know. im far too old. to feel such a care-less way. but remember my catch phrase. i am so very careless because i couldt not care less. and so on and such. ive begun to ruin friendships over measley things. because it feels like that time. to cast out the old and bring in the new. and i feel i have a cult of younger people following me. and i have no idea why. i am an old head. and old g if you will. i am nothing to admire. but. i cant help but like the stardom. these kids need some sort of fucking guidance in their lives. before its all too late. and i called d and told her she didnt love her children. and i dont believe ill ever call her again. because i dont feel like watching her daughters turn into her. a dick hungry slut. who doesnt care what happens to her babies as long as shes thin and getting some. im sorry angelina. im sorry neva. im sorry that i cannot save you from your mother. and i feel like settling down and stepping in. taking control of them. because i would stop everything just to make sure they made it okay. because i wouldve done that for any of them. i find myself missing my mother now. in a weird way. such a fucking empty way. no tears now. just this silent burden of sadness that has no expression. no way of getting out. or escaping. mothers day approaches and i feel my sadness growing in my chest. and all of those fucking memories i can only put to rest for a moment until it comes like an electric shock through my mind and body and ever loving grieving soul. i sit and i think about the presents i wouldve bought her. the things i wouldve said. the cake and the flowers and the silly nachos and cheese and movies probably. and watching the monk marathon on usa. because she wouldve wanted too. and no one knows how much i hurt to be an orphan at 24. how pathetic it feels. how sad. how lonely. i miss my mom. i miss her night and day and day and night. and every waking moment in between. i wish i could go back in time. and be the person i am now in front of her. to be honest with her. to be kinder to her. to be a better daughter. and i wish. and wish. and wish.. but i know the reality. i know completely. insanely. that ill never see or hear or be with her again. i dont want to type anymore. goodnight.