and im up early. early. early. ealier then id like. since i have to work late today. but. cant fight the urge to open my eyes. and the caffiene pill didnt help. isnt helping. and my mistakes floaded my mind today. and. i feel rather ashamed. of everything. but. what can one do when the sin has already been had or done or pushed forward. and. i suppose my biggest. and dumbest mistake. was destroying joes car. for no reason. other then being high and drunk and bitter. but. i suppose it doesnt matter. because. im not there anymore. and we will all move on steadily past our prime. some. time. danielle seems to be falling down. and. im not there to catch her. or stop her. or scream in her face until maybe the truth registers. i sent her an angry letter. and. maybe she will see. what was meant to be. i wish she would come this way. tomorrow. and the next day. she would like it here. the feeling isnt so final and drear. erie will bring her down. and keep her there forever. whether she likes it or not. she has to get out. before. its all too late. and. its not as though anyone there really cares for her either. they all just want to fuck her. and. maybe joel wouldve been good for her. if he hadnt been so oneminded. but. thats how they all are there. back in that place. of demons. and saints. im going to try and stay here longer. and maybe get a bit stronger. in the process. i dont want to be a failure forever. id just like to be a waste. but. not all the way. i suppose. i am close to selling out. and. becoming normal. if one can become normal if one just wishes too. i am postal? mental? and. maybe thats just how its meant to be. i keep waiting for her. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting. she never seems to come in my dreams. she never seems to come in my dreams. she never seems to come. i do hope someday i am worthy. worthy. worthy. more deserving. i work from 2 to 11 today. and im actually looking forward to it. for right now anyway. i hope it all goes smoothly. and i hope i can keep this job. at least for a little while. four lines. and it was out the door. its pretty bad. when youre always looking to score. never pleased with what you have. always needing. wanting more. hit the ceiling. fall to the floor. your mind is nothing but an unpaid whore. id like to believe that i am savable. redeemable. redemption. not that i want to be "saved" saved. but. simply. saved. i hope today goes well. i cant take much more of hell.