Days are burdens now, one piled on another, piled on another, suffocating all happiness from this place. Displeased are the angry gods, cursing our ignorance, praising our despair. Alone you will go. Alone you will go. Alone. Today I am missing classes again. I wish I could just end this semester now. John has been dead for 2 days now. Tomorrow it will be 3. I miss him. My mother misses him. I seen Dani yesterday. I visited momentarily. Long enough to smoke a bowl and talk about death. When people die, death becomes an obsession for conversation. It's like listening to veterans comparing war stories. Always sad. Always horrible. I could have went to my classes today, but I just didn't feel up to it. I'm afraid I will spontaneously cry. I'm afraid I won't act happy enough. There's nothing more depressing than someone who is depressed. We are going to attempt an easy life from now on. My stomach hurts. And I am failing my diet. Failing hard and fast. Maybe I was meant to always be the chunky-ugly girl. Maybe. We went to the funeral home yesterday. I wish I had taken my camera. It was quite a nice, lovely place. Old-style, brilliantly colored rooms. They had coffins lined up in one room. It reminded me of racks of shoes in Footlocker. Try one on. See how it fits. Morbid. John looked dead. His skin was cold. He looked peaceful. Calm. We cried and left. Not much else is going on in this life right now. Mourning. Grieving. Missing. You. I'm done.