i haven't felt like typing in awhile. a long long while. i've been rather lazy and sad and stuff lately. i guess. not really. but maybe. st. patricks night. we went out. seb and i. we got loaded. and etched our k and patrick love all over the bar table. (i went to remove it the other day) we drank and laughed. and carried on. other's showed up. and kept us busy. entertained. ken. kristopher. brandon. good guys. david. some other guy. entertaining. i miss going out on wednesdays. i called patrick. on st. patricks day. he never called back. not yet. and he won't. and that's fine. i don't care anymore. i have other worries. other things. beating in my brain. i think seb is mad. at me. for one reason or another. there was a party saturday night. she didn't feel like going. so i went and got high. and tried to get her to go. but no. she didn't want too. i think she did go. if i know her. she did. and she's pissed at me? that's what it feels like. tension. i don't like it. and i don't like our friendship. lately. it's built on what she wants to do. and say. and think. and i can't share. and open up. she'll get angry. i don't care much about that either. we're supposed to go to pittsburgh. i don't know if i'll go. i said i would. but i don't want too. for some reason. i don't feel like being around her. listening to her whine. she has no off button. no mute. if she is mad. that's her problem. i'm done babying people. i'm done pissing around. 49 days until i graduate. and patrick can kiss my big ass. i don't think of him much now. surprisingly. i don't. and i'm happier now. the call was the sign. and i follow my signs. i just need to get a grip on it all. i want to weigh 90lbs. and god help me i will. i'm not one for vanity. but i need to prove a point. soon. quick. i'll deal. i always do. my entries are shitty now. i need to change that. i will. dfn.