for 30days. no calling. no texting. no interaction with anyone i know right now. i need a break. and i need to give others a break. or course i ended up telling alex just how i felt about the "replacing" me thing. it hurt my feelings but like usual the person im not even really upset with decides to talk to me while im completely hammered. i only remember the beginning of each conversation and i can imagine it didnt go so well with the rest. but really. im tired of analyzing jason. im tired of trying to define his neediness. he used me. and he/ll use someone else because he cant properly function without someone especially a female paying attention to him. all of the time. looking back im glad im not there anymore. and im glad im not contacting anyone for awhile. i need this. i need to find a job. work the one i kinda might have. and be by myself. sober. for 30 days and then i will be fine. i need an entire month of concentrating on other shit. or im doomed. and i mean it. if i can never stop drinking completely and for good. i wont last another year. and i wouldnt want to. im tired of being the lush and getting myself into all of these tiny embarassing little moments. im tired of feeling bad. and im sure alex will feel the need to discuss her new feelings and discussions with jason. and i cant say i care. im out of control and i know this. ive gotta survive this last binge of mine. ive gotta do all of my living for me. so fuck everyone.