goes on and on and on. FINALLY. i guess ive decided the truth of what i have to do. and it blows. and sucks. and swirls in the depths of my hatred. but. if im going to survive me. i need to be ready. i sat in an AA meeting yesterday. trying not to stare at him. because. he is far too pretty. and. far too flirty. why. i dont know. im not EXACTLY HIS TYPE. or at least what i would imagine his type to be. im dirty. bruised. strange. and. crazy. he seems rightly put together. but. then again. this is AA. no one is right in the mind there. not really. ANYWAY. im sitting there. thinking about talking to him and hugging him after we do the whole LORDS PRAYER schtick. and. SUDDENLY. it hits me. full force right in the chest. that besides being lonely as all get out and rightly cheating and drinking every chance i get lately. i have to make up my mind. for real this time. no lying. no cheating. either. IM STAYING. OR. IM HEADED BACK OUT. it dawned on me that you cannot be a liar in sobriety. youre cheating yourself. if i want what they have ill never get it the way ive been going. besides. its only a matter of time before i get caught. and. then. WHAT? right back to the streets. right back to having no place to call home. right back to fucking it all up just in order to fuck it up? is that really what i want? if i go back out how long will i last? and if i do by chance survive another 3 or 10 or 20 years. what kind of fucking life will i have? ill just end up coming back in. back to AA. back to sobriety. what a waste it would be. all of those years spent and wasted just because i wasnt willing to do it all right the first time. i wont last if i head back out. i wont last if i keep on drinking the way i do. and it hurts knowing i can never ever ever for the rest of my long lame life ever touch another drop of my precious love. my one and only friend. my one and only enemy i love so deeply and sincerely. rock bottom is how this choice has felt. because. i cant keep on lying and pretending. itll never work. and ill never get clean. and nothing will ever change. and i know deep down inside im meant for better things. but. ONCE YOUVE SPENT SO LONG PUNISHING YOURSELF ITS MIGHTY FUCKING HARD TO JUST QUIT. once youve spent so long believing or wanting to believe that the universe hates you. its hard to believe it doesnt. its hard to want to believe it doesnt. HOW MESSED UP IVE BECOME. 10 years before this i was different. and 10 years before that i was perfect. young. and nice. and sweet. and dreaming of wonderful things for myself. and how quickly ive let it all go. i guess despite my unhappiness with it ive actually decided to be all in this time. my one and only last time getting clean. if i happen to make it to 80 i hope this was worth it. but. i guess all of that fucking mess is up to me too.