Emotions racing out of control. Boundaries are missing in action. Loss of anger, gaining of fear. Watch me as I tumble. Watch me as I fall. Visited John for a few hours today. We ate hospital hamburgers and fries. Not really hungry. Nervous. My diet is falling short of my goal. Need to gain self control again. Will. Only a matter of time. John is dying. He slept all day today. All day. John never sleeps long. Well, he didn't before. Pain medication. Labeled (secretly) a loss cause. My mother is falling apart. Her best friend is dying. John. No more dice games. No more newspaper puzzles. No more long walks through Asbury Woods. No more drives along the peninsula. No more arguing. No more drinking. No more company. No more misbehaving in stores. No more of anything. It's killing her. It hurts her. I wish I could ease the pain she is going to feel. I wish I could change this whole situation. I can't. Visited Dani today. We talked. We joked around. We smoked. We shared memories. I got what I needed. She got what she wanted. We are even. Angel is a pretty baby. She is going to be a hell raiser like her mother. I hope I'll be there to watch. Pat isn't online. Actually, no one is online. No one is home. At work or some shindig I am too tired to attend. Poor John. My heart hurts just thinking about him. Part of me wishes this was all over. The other part is hoping he'll hang on. I have a test tomorrow. A Biology Exam. I haven't studied. I don't know any of the material. I won't study. This semester feels like a loss cause. Dying slowly, like John. Fizzing out before it even explodes into something grandor. I am sad. I am tired. I am worried. I am done.