I lost another lb. I am dedicated to this healthy eating thing. I figure it's better now than to wait too late. Until I'm a good 450 lbs. and need someone to wash my body with a rag on a stick. "Involuntary Valet" I woke up slowly today. I had a dream last night. It's not too clear. My dreams never are. All I remember is fog or some sort of smoke. Maybe it was mist. I don't know. It didn't stay with me. My REM cycle comes to late. Late in the morning. I sleep so sound. I can't wake up. Barely. I need to work on this. Maybe YOGA is the key. To being stress free. We're going walking today. Round and round. In some small set-aside piece of land. Woods they call it. Woods right in the middle of the city. Depressing if you think about it long enough. Last night paranoia hit me big time. I have this whole critical and skeptic outlook about everything and anything. I'm ANIT-SOCIETY. Don't ask why. I don't have an answer. I can find fault in anything. It's a gift. I really believe so. I guess I just like to complain about things that annoy me. Which if you come to think of it, almost everything in some way annoys me. What can ya do? Not a damned thing. "Life's a bitch baby, so grab that shit by the balls and show'em how it's done." I collect quotes from everything. The least bit stimulating. I enjoy it. I feel hyper today. Maybe my medication is working. Or maybe my shakra's are finally alined. SEB and J are driving to Chicago today. To see another Dave Matthew's concert. 7-10 hour drive. Thankfully I'm not in the car. Two happy people versus one severely depressed weirdo is not at any time a good combination. One of them would've ended up bleeding. Don't get me wrong. I love SEB. Platonically. But indeed she does sometimes get on my nerves with her perkiness and oh so happy attitude. But come to think of it. She whines a lot. So maybe that's it. I don't do the whining thing. Can't stand it. So this is my life. Paused. It's at a complete stop. I need to figure out what all this means. Maybe I'm missing my sign or something. Maybe I've already missed it. I hope not. I'm sure though that something will come along and offer me a choice to make. Hopefully I'll pick the right one. And than everything will go on as it should. "Trust instinct not love" I believe in the GUT. You follow your gut and you can't go wrong. At least that's what's worked for me so far. Trusting that little feeling inside. Sometimes I think it's a matter of training one's self to know how to trust your own feelings. I've been practicing for a long time now. I'm sure to only get better with age. Sometimes I wonder if I will end up being one of those old, bitter hags who lives in an apartment all alone except for a few 100 cats. I wonder. Will I ever find love? Will I ever let myself be loved? Is it possible for me to ever trust someone enough to give them my heart? I don't like asking myself those questions, because the automatic feeling inside creeps up and says "No." Maybe someday. Someday anything is possible. I guess I better go now and try to lose more weight. 218. Trying to get to 110. A nice big 108 to go. Not bad considering I had some 135 to go before. I am on my way. Done for now.