and my phone rings. and it's her. a memory. an old friend with old problems. and old lies. old ways out. that never lead out. and talking. about coke. and beatings. and her baby. and things. and lost and empty dreams. and lies. upon lies. she will not be coming here. to ruin. this. hell i have. i need not her imposing with her anger. and lazy ways. upon those old days. she'll pretend we're old pals like we. used. to be. before. this mess of growing up and growing wiser. then the years before. no more naps and cookies. now we have locks and bills and rookies. coming. the 5 zero. i worry about being caught and thrown in the clink. she worries about finding another dollar to buy another bottle of drink. and yes. things have changed. rearranged. and i wish i could hold these. people. close to my heart. but those times are gone. passed by. left. now it's all for one and one for all. for one. and one only. i will not pity myself. and cry. and sit by while all hell is opening in front. of my tear dried eyes. i will not sit by while they run. my life. i have come this far. and will. continue. hopefully. things are never as they seem. and dreams are nothing but the reality of our minds figuring it all out. or so i think. or was mislead to believe. i am without a mother. i am without a father. i am my own family. and it almost feels okay. not great. not wonderful. but all right. on and off.