and isnt this what i always wanted. the life on the run. with no worries. or at least the illusion of no worries. the mirage. that yearned for vision in the desert of my heart. wasnt it i who wanted to wander unattached. and uneffectedaffected. wasnt it i who wanted to be the wandering punk with no one to answer too. and now. do i regret it all. YES. do i regret my wishes. YES. can i change it. NO. because you cannot change the past. nor the present. you can just readjust the pattern. and. HOPE FOR THE FUCKING BEST. and what is it that i worry so much about now. credit card debt. debt. jail. being fired. IN THE BIGGER. THE LARGER SCALE OF THINGS. THE WORST HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. I HAVE ALREADY LOST THE ONE THING. THAT MATTERED ANYTHING. and ive seemed to have forgotten out here. ive become too settled and frightened. routine will do such things. so i suggest that you avoid routine and normalcy as much and as long as humanly/animaly possible. I DO WANT TO BE MORE. AND I WILL BE MORE. AND I WILL MAKE AN IMPRESSION AND A LASTING THOUGHT. BECAUSE ITS IN ME. WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. and usually they call this kind of rambling euphoric. egotistical. SIGNS OF BEING BIPOLAR. SIGNS OF A MENTAL UNBALANCE. SIGNS. but in reality. my reality. its encouragement. because. ONLY YOU CAN KNOW YOURSELF. AND YOUR WORTH. AND IF ITS THERE. NO MATTER HOW DEEP AND HOW HIDDEN. IF ITS THERE A SPARK BURNING. A SPARK. THEN YOULL DO YOUR QUEST. i understand not everyone can feel that way. there does have to be the rest to fill in the space. there cant be a great number of great ones. BECAUSE LIFE ISNT SO FAIR THAT WAY. a king without his crown. find that song. and youll find a bit of lightness for all of the heaviness. and itll all make a bit more sense. AND I FEAR GOD. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW BETTER. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW SUCH A THING CANNOT BE NAMED. AND I PRAISE NOT JESUS NOR ALLAH NOR MANS MADE GOD. I PRAISE THAT THING THAT SPARKED LIFE SO MANYMANYMANYMANY YEARS AGO AND SPARKED MINE ALSO. I PRAISE THE FEELING. THE FLOW. WHATEVER IT IS. DOESNT MATTER. AS LONG AS YOU RECOGNIZE IT SOMEWAY. youll be fine. i believe maybe a bit of shaking up is in order. i will not become frightened of adaption. TO CHANGE IS TO BE NEW. TO ADAPT IS TO SURVIVE. TO SURVIVE IS TO LIVE. ACTUALLY LIVE. TO LIVE IS TO REALLY BREATHE. OPENLY. the only truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation and lie not about his reasons. I WILL BE. I WILL NOT-NOT BE. because time is a fickle thing. and likes to rush ahead of us. and mock us. and ruin us. well before our time.