i think this is the most entries i've ever put in here in one day. i must be bored. walked. to the store. bought more malt liquor. since i can't buy liquorliquor because in my drunken stupidity last night i dropped my i.d. my wallet with everything in it. and the man said it was there but in the office. i have to go back tomorrow. and with my luck. my cursed luck he'll be talking about a totally different wallet. i surely hope not. because if so i have a whole new set of problems on my hands. i've decided that i will write that book. and i've got most of the characters figured out. or almost. i have names and places and faces to use that i know are just right and meant for something great. or at least it feels that way. i hope i get a job soon. i need more action to take away all of this thought. it really bothers me that he won't read me. maybe then. but no. no more of that. i've beaten the dead horse past death. and i will have to settle here with my past actions. and let them slide away and far from me. i do wish i could've thought a little further ahead. i used to not be so "shifty." i used to be an almost decent person. who did decent things without having my own agenda. tomorrow i think i'll start all over again. and the things. the bad things i did at home. won't exist. or they'll exist back there in that place i'd like to never really return. except of course to get my car. sally. the only material thing i have now. i think too much. but never at the right times. like before i do something criminal. i never think too heavily then. and always end up paying for it. like losing my wallet. that's me paying for my little problem. it seems to never end. but i won't complain. because i'm tired of complaining and whining and never doing anything but feeling down. i don't feel down here. a bit alone but i'll sort that out with sarah. she'll understand i think. i hope. i can get my meaning across. easily. without hesitation or misunderstanding. i don't want to be the old amanda ever again. because she was a miserable cow who lived on regret and junkfood. she was a brat to her mother and her father. she was annoying and unhappy because she never tried anything but being unhappy. i won't be her ever again. because i don't like her. and i won't do it the same way as before. i will try to think ahead this time. at least by 10 minutes.