and here i am. feeling ignored. and pushed aside. and maybe i havent changed as much as i wanted to feel. because the peopl here have the same lame impression of me. and i hate it. again. im beginning to feel smothered and pushed down all over again. cer-eal-iosly. dont ask. because i dont come here to define. i come here drunk and bewildered most of the time. and i was once so smart. and so alert. and it left me. so suddenly. i just believe that the people i know here are the same back there. the stereotype. and i didnt want them to be. but the more i think on it. the more i realize its all just bullshit. and i want to leave. anonymously. they dont know me here. they placed me in the same old lame labels. and dont understand that im fucked up. i cant help it. right now. im twisted. and left. and i just want to get high and forget the rest. pardon me. im forgetting how to spell simple words and the definitions of those words. its all leaving me. im a complete alcohol zombie. i hate it. and hate it. and i guess all i have to do is leave. and i think i will. do not be attached. to any living thing. because it is unpromised. it is not guranteed. so excuse me. goodbye joe. goodbye dan. goodbye what other infatuations i may have had. i am too tired to keep up. because. you know what. my art is art and not some wasted talent. insert dark ashley here. a snivelling little annoyance. i do not want to hear anymore bad news. i want to go some where new where i might change a bit more. and meet new people. unlike i have met before. jorge with his snide remarks. and ashley. and caryn. and whoever the fuck else. fuck you. im the best thing to happen to you and im leaving you. so fuck you. because i have decided to leave. 2 to 3 months and ill be but a memory. i wouldnt stay but i need the money. ive become afraid like i was before. but you know what. fuck the before. and fuck being afraid of change. and being homeless. and being a complete mess. at leasr i can admit it. i have no real friends here. none. unfortunately. i cant count any of them as people i want to hang on to.. there is no real reason to my treason. im unhappy. and i need to go. run. again. a few more doctor trips. but then again fuck that. because im still moving. after all of these months. i am tired of it here. so i must go. to something else. less predictable. they dont care. trust me. so fuck me. and leave me. and lie to me. because i dont care anymore. i want a bus ticket out of here. to a new there. i do not fear death. for i know the form he takes. and i know how long he waits. because he waits forever. so strike me down. i will not go unhappy. i will go at the spur of the moment. if not then. then i will go years from now. smiling. for the enemies i know now i will see in hell. but i will have at leasr lived well. lived. been alive. my surroundings are suffocating. show me some thing. or shut the fuck up.