the complexity of the situation is heavier then i like. but the outcome may be brighter then i first hoped. and the lights spin around never knowing where to land. because landing. is ever so boring. and never needed. as long as there is always a tomorrow then i am guranteed another go at it. another appeal. another chance. before the door slams shut all together. forever. and remember forever does not exist. because time. is always ticking away. and floating past us without a second glance. and the ice melts. times change. leaves turn. and we start all over again. only after life do we truly know what the answer to life is. there is no answer. live is the only thing life leads to. and means. the definition is one of those frightening things. and we close our eyes. too soon. so soon. i would like to be a better person. that person. that right person. and some times i like to believe that once i change. once i make up for all of my mistakes. once i am forgiven. once i am forgiven. that is when they will ask me to come back home. that is when i will be allowed to go back home. to that place i hold so dear in my heart now. to that place i held so much hatred for before. and this is how we live and learn. someday i would like to think they will invite me back home. back home to be with them again. and we will all be there. like we were once before. and no. i am not going to get into her death. and my hearts death. or johns death. or the fact that taz is gone. and loca too. i am not getting into that. because. i can't. not right now. because i have cried enough today. it is not over. and the past will remain the past. and it will be tossed back deep inside of mind and eventually forgotten. i will let those back there in that place be. and i will move on. i am capable of a hatred so fierce that once that memory is on my bad side. it is absolutely tossed aside. but. talking is only talk. action is the killer of thought. and right now. here. is my time to act. and prove that i can hold myself up. i am tired of rambling right now.